never ending circle (story)

We were gifts from God that be sent thru our parents. Our connection with them would never reach the finish line. As long as we live, we would always be tangled up; connected; and related. So, was She.

The ups and downs in her life would never be ended. Family was one of the issues. She questioned herself, “Do I make this up?”

Her family was on fire. Everyday was full of fight. She was always there, locked up herself in her room; sitting at the corner of the bed, once or twice sweeping the tears with tissue. Screams, yells, the sound of things that been thrown; she could hear.

She just turned 20. Old enough to think yet too young to understand. Even though she was all curious, but she couldn’t just ask.

Her sister was the one who told her that there was something up in the family. She couldn’t believe, so she came back home. She was in a long distance relationship with her family.

She didn’t like home. She didn’t like being home. The home was always empty. She chose to go out, finding out another life. She wanted to cut her ties with a group called family. She wanted a normal interaction with family like an interaction with a bunch of friends she made.

But, it was just a theory. Her heart always ached whenever friends talked about theirs. She hurt because not able to tell anything fun with hers because her family didn’t have any good memories. Her heart was broken right after a call, “Mom and dad are having a fight everyday. I’m sick of it.”

She was home, for now. Home didn’t feel like home, like usual. But, it was “hotter”. The atmosphere was uncomfortable.

Probably, it was the reason. The reason why she didn’t wanna get into a relationship. Relationship would build a never ending circle. Moreover, if it would be a one life time relationship that called marriage. That marriage term, she didn’t like it too. Marriage would be very complicated. It asked much. She might loose what she liked because she should sacrifice. And, there would be child born. It would be complicated even more. Relationship or marriage were terms she hated too much.

That “everything happens for a reason” idiom was right to the bones.

Advertisements

Actually, I post a lot on my Tumblr.

I write here when I feel like it’s long enough to get posted on ‘real blog’. Sometimes, my tumblr is just full of random phrases and thoughts or I just simply share what song I currently listen. But still, it doesn’t prevent me to post long text on it.

It’s random. I just wanna tell that actually I’m confused too why I make this one. Probably, it will be filled up with words that I had posted on Tumblr. But still, it doesn’t prevent me to post it on here.

Tumblr is more like private, actually. And being here, I’m trying to be more ‘useful’? Yeah, please understand this.

What I post here, I hope it contains something that readers can take the benefit from.

Sometimes, I think that I probably should be a motivator. But, it won’t happen tho bcs I’m just another freakshow and still trying to figure out what act I should take when life gets nasty and when people are just not being supportive. So, I decided to make a blog that probably contains with some good, motivating, and up-lifting words.

– e

(If you’re curious enough about my tumblr, then here I got you covered: Strange Bird)

New Crush, New Spirit Animal, New You

(Been a long time. So, Hi!)

Do you ever feel like there is someone who suddenly appears and becomes your new teen spirit?

I do.

Lately, I’ve been thinking how people could really influence me on the way of thinking. When I was in Junior High School, I think that was the first time that I got a crush. It was Hayley Williams. Stepping higher on my educational life, when I felt really low, I found Sonia Eryka. When I got into College, when people started to go and I started to do things alone, I found Claradevi Handriatmaja (I already posted about her, tho). Early on October or November last year (I forget),  when I really didn’t know where to go, stucked in miserable puzzle of life, lack of spirit animal, I found this young youtuber, Fathia Izzati.

image1

Finding her on my lowest point in my life was such an indescribable feeling. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I just did.

Probably bcs she is fluent in English, which I adore much bcs I don’t know why it’s kinda rare in Indonesia. Even she got mocked by some ignorant bitch saying she was just trying to be bule-bulean (westerners), but I think it’s brilliant. Hey! We must admit, it’s an international language tho.

Probably bcs she’s also a fan of Arctic Monkeys. It’s like finding a diamond among the stones. My life is completed. I found someone who like to do cover of my favourite band. And that was a biggest invention of the year.

Probably bcs of how indie she is. Yeah. Since I was in JHS, I was influenced by the content of tumblr and stuff. Now, I find someone who has a little part of me.

Probably bcs she’s just badass. The way she thinks. The way she does things. The way she writes poetic stuff. The way she writes on her blog. The way she talks. Her vlogger never gets me bored. It is always entertaining. Plus, she always covers good songs. There is this cover of All I Want by Kodaline which makes me falling in love with her even more.

I think Fathia is spinning around me for now. Even, I make her picture as my wallpaper on my laptop and my phone.

I found her really inspiring. I found her making myself to achieve more and more. I found her making myself a little bit confident with who I am now. I found her really amazing.

Having a spirit animal is sometimes needed. When you don’t know with your life anymore, when you’re just kicking around without having a clue, when life is bit harsh to you, find one. Sometimes, what they do, even she/he is really different from you, is just inspiring and making you see life in a different picture. A brighter version.

Enjoy life. Cherish the moment.

– E.

(I’m sorry, Fathia. I screencaptured your pics on instagram and cropped the credit. I really am sorry.)

Don’t be Too Proud of Your Parents’ Wealth

You probably ever read a tweet or something somewhere like, “My parents aren’t rich but they can afford what I need.” And that tweet happens just like me.

I don’t come from super-rich family who can afford and buy anything. Since I was a kid, my mom and my dad didn’t teach me to spend a lot of money to buy thing that I want. But, they teach me priorities, even I’m so in love with buying things I want, I still have my priorities.

And now, if I want my mom to buy me thing which I want but bit expensive, she will reply, “Lower your standard, if you already work buy anything you want.” Or maybe, “Show me something that makes us proud and you’ll get it.” No no no, it doesn’t mean my mom didn’t have money, but she just teach me that I should work hard to deserve a gift.

Frankly, I’m so sick of people that I think mature enough but still act like a kid. They declare their parents’ wealth like they own it. Oh wake up kiddo, the money in your pocket isn’t even yours.

– e

A Tiny Line between Hurt and Heal

“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes.”

I am not a lover, or easy to fall, or expert in any love stuff, but I know the truth of the lyrics which sung by Ed Sheeran; that loving someone can hurt.

“Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul.”

I’m not gonna lie about this one because yes it is; love can heal the pain when you’re in deep hurt.

There’s a tiny line between hurt and heal. You even are not able to see it. It’s suddenly love makes you feel better but then you fall.

Sometimes I wonder, do we all have to experience this?

Could we just skip this part?

If I’m able to choose, I choose to not feel anything at all. I don’t want to fall in love with any guy because it’s a trap. When you’re in the deep down, you should choose whether you continue it or stop it. If you continue it, you will be buried with those bullshit feeling and if you stop it; it’s gonna be the hardest thing to do, it’s getting harder when you’re still seeing him or her in your life, every day.

Love is confusing, my friend.

– E.

was published on http://mstrangebird.tumblr.com/

What’s on Claradevi’s Mind about Being Alone and Lonely?

I was reading a national magazine, CosmoGirl! Indonesia, and found a really good article by my new crush, Claradevi Handriatmadja. Few days ago I just posted some words about being lonely and then BAM! She was like reading my mind and soul. I’m truly on her side.

“Do we need other people to feel happy?” That’s one of my favourite lines. Those words are opening my mindset. All I think was “If I were with my friends, I would be the happiest girl in the world because we could talk everything” but then she could break that. I know, as a zoon politicon, we need other people to live; we need their help. But sometimes all we need is me-time because there must be something that we couldn’t do with friends, like walking between bookstore’s shelves and read something which successfully catches our eyes.

“Being alone doesn’t necessary mean you are lonely.”; “Tell yourself that you are enough and you are loved. Yes, you can do it all alone –without having to feel lonely.” She taught me that even we like to do things alone doesn’t mean we don’t have any friends and we are lonely; it’s because we are able to do them all alone. I’ve been thinking about being an adult lately -because the side effect of being lonely- we live, we do, we die… alone. Starts now on, I make up my mind with “What’s the problem of doing everything alone?” because I am an independent young girl and so are you.

– e

Hello!

Here is my first post. I start this page because I need a platform to share my mind. I have a lot going on and I really need to share or I could not think anything else. Probably thoughts or some stories. By the way,  I choose to be called e (yes, it’s small e), just to make it short (lol).

Xx