When I created this page, I want it to be all inspiring and more useful. I want my professional work here (no, i didn’t mean i’m a pro in keeping a blog or writing, but please get me?). But lately, Tumblr is banned in my country and I feel like I have nowhere to write even I can use my Microsoft Word in laptop but the feeling is different (please once again, get me!). Tumblr was all about my daily activities, whines, nonsense theories and other unstructured thoughts. Meanwhile, WordPress was supposed to be my short stories, poems (only if it could be called that way), my reactions toward today’s news, or thoughts about some brainy topic.
What I want to say is due to Tumblr blocking, maybe, just maybe, I will write more here and the meaning of more is my nonsense things included. But, I’m willing to try correlating one thing to another just to make a (still) useful content.
This is a challenge for me, actually. Giving a new thing into my writing habit.
So yeah, here we go.
But first, let me warn you, I may seem desperate here but please focus on other thing.
In these past few days, I spent my spare time (which was a lot) with reading. Not a really surprising activity since this is one of my hobby since I was a kid. But, depression is my current interest. I found it in the news, what people talk or even my coffee talk with friends. So, when I found some novels talk bout it, I’m all in.
It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. Well, I don’t know the symptoms, but I think I’m alright.
I read two books about depression in a row. The first one is Falling in Place by Amy Zhang and the next one is My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga (i’m still on it).
The Book One was about a girl tried to commit suicide by crashing her car into roadblock and plunging into the abyss to make it looked like an accident. This girl, Liz Emerson, felt like her whole life was about crushing people’s life and she actually didn’t feel good for it. From the “she doesn’t deserve to live in this world” reason, she did driving her car off road. I cried in few parts. How the author poured the sadness felt so real, so I couldn’t handle the tears. I felt crushed too by Liz’s feeling. She was lost and no one knew. She tried to look for a help and also tried to think positive, but they went nothing. (spoiler: she is alive)
The Book Two was about two teenagers, a boy and a girl, tried to commit suicide together. Both of them looked for partner to do it. They met in a site called Suicide Partners. Who knows they would end up hanging out and stuff? I haven’t finished it actually, it feels like in a rush for me to write this but I can’t help myself. So, I haven’t known yet about the ending. JUST YET.
But, knowing the ending isn’t the point of this writing.
Reading this kind of book makes me value a life more.
I’m not in a stage of planning a suicide, the characters didn’t teach me to do one. The characters taught me about the other meaning of life. Like, sometimes we just want to kill ourselves, we just want to be dead, but then… the story goes, the light shows… and long-short, we have another perspective of life.
I like how this kind of topic shows how precious our life is. Also, the vibe of finding another meaning. for example. find a friend will help, try to open up will help, we are not alone, there will always someone we can count onto.
From them, I feel like getting up and doing whatever life would throw at me. Like, I could give life another chance.
Don’t think that I’m in a good stage right now. My mind eats me every time. Even, seeing people’s life in Instagram stories or in Twitter do another damage to my brain and my self-esteem. But, I’m doing the best I can to get rid of toxic and starting to believe that everything is going to be okay. The light will show and just give life another chance, eh?