books i recently read

When I created this page, I want it to be all inspiring and more useful. I want my professional work here (no, i didn’t mean i’m a pro in keeping a blog or writing, but please get me?). But lately, Tumblr is banned in my country and I feel like I have nowhere to write even I can use my Microsoft Word in laptop but the feeling is different (please once again, get me!). Tumblr was all about my daily activities, whines, nonsense theories and other unstructured thoughts. Meanwhile, WordPress was supposed to be my short stories, poems (only if it could be called that way), my reactions toward today’s news, or thoughts about some brainy topic.

What I want to say is due to Tumblr blocking, maybe, just maybe, I will write more here and the meaning of more is my nonsense things included. But, I’m willing to try correlating one thing to another just to make a (still) useful content.

This is a challenge for me, actually. Giving a new thing into my writing habit.

So yeah, here we go.

But first, let me warn you, I may seem desperate here but please focus on other thing.

In these past few days, I spent my spare time (which was a lot) with reading. Not a really surprising activity since this is one of my hobby since I was a kid. But, depression is my current interest. I found it in the news, what people talk or even my coffee talk with friends. So, when I found some novels talk bout it, I’m all in.

It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. Well, I don’t know the symptoms, but  I think I’m alright.

I read two books about depression in a row. The first one is Falling in Place by Amy Zhang and the next one is My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga (i’m still on it).

The Book One was about a girl tried to commit suicide by crashing her car into roadblock and plunging into the abyss to make it looked like an accident. This girl, Liz Emerson, felt like her whole life was about crushing people’s life and she actually didn’t feel good for it. From the “she doesn’t deserve to live in this world” reason, she did driving her car off road. I cried in few parts. How the author poured the sadness felt so real, so I couldn’t handle the tears. I felt crushed too by Liz’s feeling. She was lost and no one knew. She tried to look for a help and also tried to think positive, but they went nothing. (spoiler: she is alive)

The Book Two was about two teenagers, a boy and a girl, tried to commit suicide together. Both of them looked for partner to do it. They met in a site called Suicide Partners. Who knows they would end up hanging out and stuff? I haven’t finished it actually, it feels like in a rush for me to write this but I can’t help myself. So, I haven’t known yet about the ending. JUST YET.

But, knowing the ending isn’t the point of this writing.

Reading this kind of book makes me value a life more.

I’m not in a stage of planning a suicide, the characters didn’t teach me to do one. The characters taught me about the other meaning of life. Like, sometimes we just want to kill ourselves, we just want to be dead, but then… the story goes, the light shows… and long-short, we have another perspective of life.

I like how this kind of topic shows how precious our life is. Also, the vibe of finding another meaning. for example. find a friend will help, try to open up will help, we are not alone, there will always someone we can count onto.

From them, I feel like getting up and doing whatever life would throw at me. Like, I could give life another chance.

Don’t think that I’m in a good stage right now. My mind eats me every time. Even, seeing people’s life in Instagram stories or in Twitter do another damage to my brain and my self-esteem. But, I’m doing the best I can to get rid of toxic and starting to believe that everything is going to be okay. The light will show and just give life another chance, eh?

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Noora and Strong Woman Definition

“Tell me your own definition of a strong woman!”

It was Maudy Ayunda’s instastory (she’s indonesian singer and actress). Not the exact sentence she posted, but it is the whole point. Some scenes from SKAM suddenly played in my head and this got me thinking before I decided to reply it, a long one.

A strong woman term reminds me of my new crush (been 3 months now) Noora Amalie Sætre, a fictional character in Norwegian TV Series, SKAM. If you happen to know me in real life, follow me on Twitter or Instagram, read my Tumblr (which is blocked in Indonesia now), you must be sick of me talking about her. But since I haven’t told much in this blog, then I will take my chance.

She was the main character in Season 2. Her season was about her love-interest with William (maybe im gonna focus on this more), feminism (a lil of this), sexual assault, eating disorder, and other thing that maybe I haven’t mentioned. It was begin with William trying to get her, but since he was a douche bag, Noora was kinda hard to get. Nah, she wasn’t playing. I need like 7 days or so (nonstop) to recover and to think about thing that actually not that necessary (but i did). I analyzed about her feeling, her action, her thought why she changed and why her appearance changed.

Like I said, she wasn’t playing. If we watched and paid attention since the season 1, Noora is a badass, a strong and an independent woman. She had family issue, boy issue back there and still hold up till today. She had this “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” quote tacked on the wall near her mirror. You can see how she slay, how she defend herself and also her friends.

Until, the series of event between her and William came. As a strong woman, and also having principles in her life, I can see how hard she was to finally get along with it. I just can feel that it’s gonna betray her beliefs if she just fell into a fuck boy, that easy. Can you picture this? A strong and an independent young girl, a feminist, someone who roasted William with “Stop walking around like fucking cliché!”, someone who told her friends “It’s not gonna happen between me and William.”, finally gave up and admitted her feeling. Must be a hard decision to make.

When finally she made peace with her own choice, William did other thing she didn’t like: blasting a glass bottle to someone’s head in a fight. She was mad. She believed that war isn’t a solution and it is violence. That time, I can feel like things that she held on for a long time, values and beliefs, were spilling bit by bit. Hesitation came. Till, she had a talk with Sana who told her, “I think it’s interesting that you’re saying you’re against war. War doesn’t start with violence. It starts with misunderstanding and prejudice. If you say you’re in favor of a world full of peace, you have to try to understand why others think and act the way they do.”

And the thing that we knew, she was trying hard to put her feet on William’s shoes. Applying the be-kind thing and trying to understand.

Are you still with me? …bcs I’m gonna tell another thing, hope it is relatable, well actually this is the point, hehe.

I was in a fight, an invincible one, I must say. It wasn’t throwing bottle or worse, violence. No. It was begin with misunderstanding and we suddenly acted like nothing happened. We just got along until there was distance between us. No explanation, no one wanted to speak up. We talked behind our backs. We roasted each other. We blamed each other. We threw shades some times. I felt hatred consumed me and I planned on i-will-not-care-anymore plan. “Fuck you and your little brain.” I told myself.

I never know whose fault it was.

But probably, God still cared to the friendship we built. He gave the chance.

It got me thinking like a whole morning. “Should I take this and apply the be-kind thingy?” it doesn’t make sense that the action I took just because a TV Series influenced me.

But it gets me here. It makes me to finally make a peace, a very hard decision to make, I MUST say.

I’m stubborn and hard headed (dont judge but Aquarians are fixed zodiac). I have my own principles. I feel like it is showing me weakness if I just be friend with him, just that easy, with ignoring the past, that easy. It didn’t feel right.

But here is the thing. Here is what I learnt. (learn this from skam, ofc)

Being strong doesn’t mean you have to ALWAYS stick to your thought about thing because you’ll be blinded by it. Being strong doesn’t mean you have to be stubborn because you need to learn more. I don’t say that having our own values and beliefs is wrong, that having our principles is wrong, that defending our opinions is wrong. NO. It’s also right. It’s truly right. But here’s what I wanna tell: sometimes being strong is putting yourself in every situation. Being strong is also putting youself on someone else’s shoes. Don’t be naive. But we all change. Every day. And a change on thought to make peace is the most beautiful change. No, it doesn’t mean you lose the battle, it means you are more mature on facing things, it means you focus on the big picture. I am not betraying my own values and beliefs, I’m just trying to make things right and make peace for my own inner system. Changing doesn’t always mean bad, after all.

Right now, I’m still working on it. A bridge that I burned back there, I start to build it again. I try to put piece by piece and not in a rush. It feels so weird acting like everything is fine and just bumping to each other like the old days. But, we can’t always avoid the problems. I, of course, want to be someone who knows what I want. I want to be someone that knows I got values, beliefs, and principles on my own; this is what makes us, women, very strong and undeniable. But, I also want to be kind; I want to be someone who can see other’s thoughts that are different from me. I don’t want my values hurt people because I’m just simply being ignorant.

I feel so proud for a decision I made. I feel so brand new for seeing my own growing up this way. I feel so strong for defeating the ego that burned inside me all this time.

Just like Noora did, she tried to change her mind, tried to understand what it felt like to be in William’s situation, and made a peace to her own principles.

Maybe some of you see different things with me on this case. Maybe you disagree after all. Maybe your opinion is being a strong woman is someone who can defend her own opinion. Maybe you see how terrible I am in defending my own.

Maybe this post is just a trash, unnecessary talk. Maybe I just act too much on facing my problem.

But maybe you see how it is to be like me, on my shoes. Maybe you see how my brain works.

But the point is… this is how I picture a strong woman.

 

(writing this just bcs i wanna say HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY on 8th March!)

 

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memories

I still remember the day when we traced small streets and talked about anything. We didn’t even want to go home because we got bunch of stories to tell. I can’t remember what it was, but it was fun, for sure. It was the only remedy that I need when I had been hurt by somebody.

I still remember the day when I forced you to go to junk food resto with me just because I said I wanted to drink a cup of terrible coffee. Even, you just bought me a brand new tasty seed that was ready to get brewed in the morning. I didn’t even want burgers or fries because in fact, I just needed a company. You complained a lot that time. But, you did go, anyway.

I still remember the day when we spent in a bookstore. It would be 3 or 5 hours, you didn’t mind if we stay there much longer. We went to different shelves, but it was okay. At the end, we just pleased ourselves by reading books with no money.

I still remember the day when I accompanied you studying in some diners. I didn’t have to get what you were doing besides I would be drowned by words in front of me. As long as I stayed quiet, then it would be fine.

I still remember them all. I still remember the smallest part. I still remember the little thing.

I can’t rewind it now because thing happens only once in this lifetime. Sometimes, or maybe many times, I miss them much. I hate the fact that it was over. I hate the fact that I spend my time to remember.

I know it was long time ago. And now, we don’t even say hello.

that coffee girl

Sometimes when people (including me) post some coffee picture, i wonder whether it’s to prove that we like the coffee or just we go with the trend…

When we drink coffee from some instant coffee, i wonder whether it’s the love for the coffee or not.

I mean… coffee in the sachet is coffee too. It’s not always be brewed.

If people mock other people who drink coffee from instant coffee sachet, then what about the instant coffee from starbucks?

I mean people underestimated other just because they drink some nescafe or goodday and some people think it is not the real coffee because it is a sachet, but what if it’s starbucks? As we know, people nowadays are slaves of this huge coffee company, so I don’t think they will mock anymore…

I don’t know why I drink coffee… sometimes it’s good, sometimes it just makes me wanna puke, sometimes it makes me calm, gives me strength and focus, sometimes it makes my stomach hurts and full with gas. But, I like coffee… I’m not lying.

I do drink anything. I drink good day when i feel black is too heavy. I drink nescafe, starbucks in sachet, Lampung coffee that happened to be in a small paper bag, Aceh coffee in a aluminium foil packaging. I drink black with manual brew when I’m at cafe. I drink cafe latte at Indomaret’s coffee machine. I drink cappuccino at Starbucks. And I drink ready-to-go coffee too when I’m in a rush. I drink them all…

It depends on my mood, well, mostly black. But, still it depends on what my body wants. Just don’t add some sugar. I don’t like sweet. Drinking coffee makes hot chocolate tastes toooo sweet for me. Drinking coffee makes me drink tea without sugar. Drinking coffee makes me ignore the juice in a box because it is just really super sweet I can’t stand.

I don’t know what is the point of this writing, but the thing is coffee is good.

coffee does good.

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Pic: Somewhere in Tumblr, I forget.