A Life Saver

There are times that I write on my journal or simply send a tweet,

“I don’t want to live anymore.”

“I want to die.”

“I don’t want to continue this.”

“I don’t want to be saved.”

“Can I just disappear?”

I believe, it happens to anyone. Even only a slight of thought: we want to give up.

By any chances, it happens to me many times. It could be because my own mess; the ones I make on my own. Or because people’s story which I let them to attack me.

Since I graduated from high school, there were many times, I imagined if I let myself die. I had some scenarios in my head. Which way I used to end it. Should I just cut my wrist? But in my imagination, it would be too painful, and it would bleed. And I don’t like seeing blood. It disgusts me. And after watching Hannah Baker did that, I directly cancelled this one. Should I just hang myself up? But after checking my house or my boarding house, there was no good place for that. So maybe, filling myself up with some pills was the only option. Because first, it wouldn’t hurt; two, I wouldn’t see any blood; three, maybe, it would be fast, and I wouldn’t feel anything (well, little seizures), and suddenly just not breathing.

But I didn’t do it, because I’m writing this right now.

Also, there were many times that I found another reason to live. I might be suffocated like all the oxygen didn’t want to stay with me. I might feel the downfall and lay on the ground. But there were many times, He still let me live. Thru the hands of some friends.

I still remember the day when a friend texted me to check me out if I were okay because she couldn’t reach me via chat on WhatsApp. Or the day a friend asked me to tell her things if I didn’t feel okay. Or the day a friend asked me not to die. Or the day when a friend thanked me just because I asked her to go to our Prof together. Or the day some other friends checking me out (again) just because some unnecessary status I made on WhatsApp. Or just only yesterday afternoon, a friend asked if I were stressed or not in middle of me ironing my clothes.

I honestly didn’t know what made her ask me that. Probably another nonsense tweet or status I made. It was unexpected, but it happened. And I’m still glad it happened.

I wrote on my journal later that evening. Just like usual, gratitude journaling and that time I put Mantra-Mantra album by Kunto Aji on shuffle. It went rough. I couldn’t find anything to write. Until Saudade came up along with heavy burdens in my heart. I cried. (I cried many times HAH)

All the bad and good things popped up highlighting the one just happened: this friend checking me out (again and again).

How can I not be grateful for that?

I felt like I need to continue this battle. I’m not alone.

Around 7 that night, she came with stories, an oppa’s poster and a cheer up snack. Once again, how can I not be grateful for that? To you, you know who you are, I say Thank You. Once again. For saving me.

April was about to come when I continue the journaling that I left because the ugly crying. I could write, finally. The reason to live. The friends who bear with me.

And here is April. It’s today. Exactly the day I write this.

I still have hopes; continue doing my skripsi and try to find what I want to do after getting the degree. I still have friends; the ones who support and endure me.

To the life savers out there –my friends–thank you. I may not be able to write down all your kindness but the only thing that I want to say is your presence matters. Will always. Because I’m nothing without you.

(first day of april, writing this in the library & trying hard not to cry. im so dumb why am writing this in the library????)

Advertisements

the thoughts that haunt me

When this thought came, I was in my favorite coffee shop sitting by the big window. The street in front of it was quiet, not much vehicles passed by. The building faced the west side and it was around 3 in the evening, so the sun entered the room and it gave the orange color. It was like the picture you could find on pinterest with aesthetic hashtag. Seemed peaceful, right.

But the brain inside of me isn’t, so is someone’s in front of me.

“Is this a phase to be an adult? Too many tears and fears?” I asked myself that time.

But then, I left this writing and continued discussing other things with this person.

 

Later that night I opened it again and I caught myself thinking about it again. But, I left, again.

 

After abandoning it long enough, I decided to write what the real ‘the thoughts that haunt me’ is in my journal. Now, I’m compiling them two.

That afternoon –or evening, the talking was like going wrong. Trying to hold back the tears but couldn’t. I know I was wrong for talking about my own self and not her, but I didn’t know anymore. I was so connected about what she felt at that moment. About the suffocating feeling. About self-blaming. About the responsibility we left too long. About feeling lonely in this battlefield. I know them all.

I couldn’t just text someone at home because of course they got their own problems. And my tiny little bump shouldn’t be a burden to them. Moreover, I was the one who put myself this way. I also couldn’t just call or text my friends because I was afraid I might just bother them and they, of course, already had their own situation. There was this storm in my head and I chose to stay silent.

And it felt terrible.

I still remember the evening when I found myself crying in the middle of recording myself in my phone’s voice note application. Yes, this is my habit since last year. Whenever I feel not okay and have no one to tell I choose to tell my phone. It feels good sometimes. And that evening? I felt crumbled.

I couldn’t handle the tears. I might be crying for almost an hour. I didn’t know why it was just suddenly like that. The storm was raging. The sound of it was louder. It was lack of air and I was suffocated.

Since that day, I knew, feeling lonely is terrible. Feeling like having no one is terrible.

I like to be alone but lonely is different. Feeling lonely is scary.

Since that day, I need to believe that I’m not alone. I have family and friends that actually can help and support me. I need to make myself sure that I can trust them too.

Of course, it feels unfair to them. I mean, they are here. Always here. And I can’t just say that they are not with me. I choose to be a homebody now. I’m the one who makes myself this way. And it’s like I’m excluding myself from them.

Right after realizing that there are still friends, I feel okay. I need to be okay.

The loneliness won’t go, but at least trying to convince there are still others around makes it better.

And I want to be that. I mean the always around part. I know how it felt to be lonely, and I don’t want my friends to feel the same. I want them to know that they can always talk and spam me with everything. If it is too hard to say right on my face, then I let you know, guys, that I’m near my phone like 24/7. So, you can always reach me.

I just realized that I only focused on myself. I let everything orbits around me. I wanted everything orbits around me. I was busy taking care my own. Until I didn’t realize that there are people near me also need me.

Self-care is also necessary but look around and take care some people around us can give a different feeling. Well, it feels like I’m important and needed. And for that, it doesn’t make me lonely.

And you should too.

You shouldn’t have feeling lonely. You always have me.

I need to be grateful. I need to. For realizing this. For having my friends’ back. For being their back.

Right now, I want to embrace this. The feeling of being with friends and the feeling of being with me.

I want to make it balance so I still can be socially connected but also feeling recharged. I want to be with them all and I want to be with me. I want to take care of them and I want to take care of me.

This is what I want to do better, and I hope it would happen.

a friend told me; that she didn’t like being too close because at the end, we’d end up saying good bye.

Have you ever wondered about that?

Have you ever had a thought in your head; that you didn’t want to get attached too much because it would hurt too hard?

You need to let them go, eventually.

I had. I had it many times.

Letting go is like emptying the bottle that once fulfilled with water.

you’d be face by nonexistence; the absence of their presence,

and need to be ready with only air exploring the empty body.

How do you manage that? How do you open up your heart for someone new if what you only need is them staying here a little bit longer?

May This Be A Good One

A May post. I had an urge to write but didn’t have much time to compile everything into a good writing. Ugh, never mind. I’ll write what I want to.

Surprise and more surprise in this month. I even didn’t expect but God is always good. Right. No question mark.

A little thing unrelated to God (or bit deviant?), I always check my horoscope in the beginning of the week on one of the astrology account on twitter. It’s @poetsastrologers, in case you want to try your luck. But man, it feels so accurate and sometimes motivates me. Last month, they told me all about “You’ve been doing it and still no results but don’t stop. Keep going. You get there.” And this month is all about “You get what you need.” And stuff. And it’s surprisingly coming true. I shouldn’t rely onto this thing, but I will keep what is good and throw what is bad. You know, sometimes, what doesn’t make sense could make us keep going and motivate us. In a ridiculous way, yeah, but it does (it did).

I didn’t talk much about my college life to everyone because it’s one of the sensitive parts you shouldn’t touch. I was trying my luck (driven by astrology) and now I’m here, kinda step out a little. Still long way to go, I must say… but a small step has meaning, of course.

Do not underestimate ever little thing we take! That’s what I keep in my mind, so I will not feel small in front of everyone.

This issue has been shadowing me like forever. People’s achievements sometimes worries me; this makes me comparing myself to them; leads me to overthinking that I’m small, useless, pathetic, and not capable of doing things. One word: negativity. Don’t let that word take our mind. Seems easy? Nah, I often wake up at 3 am just to cry and regret everything. It takes time learn how to adjust the situation and calm the nerves. Our mind can eat ourselves. That is why we should believe that we are different; we have our own timeline; we have our own journey. They may get a thing today, but maybe we will get it tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, or next year. No one knows, but only thing that I’m sure: we will.

Sounds cliche? Uh well, this is how I work on my own anxiety. It doesn’t mean 100% I’m healed. But at least, it makes me feeling better. So maybe, it will work for you too who does feel the same. What we are doing has meaning, even it is small until we can’t see… it is happening.

I wonder why I always have this kind of talk in every post I write. It feels like I’m talking to myself. Well, who knows.

By the way, loosen up a bit!

Arctic Monkeys has finally released a new album. You don’t know how happy I am getting a new music. This is what I’ve been waiting all this time. I listen to it on Spotify, enjoy one by one. The title is Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino. Yes, I know. They sound different. Honestly, something that I didn’t guess. I expected more drums and more beats, and more loud. And all we got is a swinging, slow, and more pianos. But oddly, I still enjoy it. I feel like I’m having love-hate relationship with this new album. I love it but I hate it. I love they sound more like Alex in Submarine’s soundtrack and also the lyrics but I hate the fact they reduce the drums and the whole album sounds like just the same. If I compare to the old ones, I feel disappointed but when I leave it alone, I’m in love and enjoying too much. Well, so glad that we finally got a new one!

And another exciting part is: they still play many old song live. Okay then… I’m okay. There was this crowd in Berlin that went crazy and whoah, that is all I need!

(sorry, i 100% forget where i found these pics, if i found the source, id edit it)

Ah, I finally watched movie alone at cinema. Been on my bucket list since 2 years ago and yeah finally. I watched Avenger: Infinity War. It was a mixed-up feeling. If I could, I would definitely scratch that purple face of Thanos for messing up with my kid, Peter Parker. Gosh! Dear Marvel, leave him alone. Do not do anything stupid!

Anyway, the feeling of watching movie alone is fun. Now, I don’t need to worry if my friends aren’t going. You just focus with the movie, nothing else. Ultimate me-time, it is.

I got a chance to see Reality Club live! It was like… FINALLY! Definitely one of my favorite performances. Such an amazing experience. I love the energy. I sang along with all of my heart, stamped my right foot following the rhythm sometimes hoped, and even screamed. Yeah, I was that happy. Fathia danced like there’s no tomorrow. All good. All fun. All fine.

(i took these, i know im a shitty photographer but man i aint got time to focus on that i was busy singing n dancing)

Well, I’m home now. Enjoying the more slow motion. Also, it’s Ramadan, meaning a fasting month. Wish us a blessed one.

and, wish me luck on my thesis. HA.

I got a lot to tell. Like a lot. But my fingers don’t wanna type and my brain don’t wanna think. Didn’t know why, but I kinda want want to post this. So, yeah.

books i recently read

When I created this page, I want it to be all inspiring and more useful. I want my professional work here (no, i didn’t mean i’m a pro in keeping a blog or writing, but please get me?). But lately, Tumblr is banned in my country and I feel like I have nowhere to write even I can use my Microsoft Word in laptop but the feeling is different (please once again, get me!). Tumblr was all about my daily activities, whines, nonsense theories and other unstructured thoughts. Meanwhile, WordPress was supposed to be my short stories, poems (only if it could be called that way), my reactions toward today’s news, or thoughts about some brainy topic.

What I want to say is due to Tumblr blocking, maybe, just maybe, I will write more here and the meaning of more is my nonsense things included. But, I’m willing to try correlating one thing to another just to make a (still) useful content.

This is a challenge for me, actually. Giving a new thing into my writing habit.

So yeah, here we go.

But first, let me warn you, I may seem desperate here but please focus on other thing.

In these past few days, I spent my spare time (which was a lot) with reading. Not a really surprising activity since this is one of my hobby since I was a kid. But, depression is my current interest. I found it in the news, what people talk or even my coffee talk with friends. So, when I found some novels talk bout it, I’m all in.

It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. Well, I don’t know the symptoms, but  I think I’m alright.

I read two books about depression in a row. The first one is Falling in Place by Amy Zhang and the next one is My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga (i’m still on it).

The Book One was about a girl tried to commit suicide by crashing her car into roadblock and plunging into the abyss to make it looked like an accident. This girl, Liz Emerson, felt like her whole life was about crushing people’s life and she actually didn’t feel good for it. From the “she doesn’t deserve to live in this world” reason, she did driving her car off road. I cried in few parts. How the author poured the sadness felt so real, so I couldn’t handle the tears. I felt crushed too by Liz’s feeling. She was lost and no one knew. She tried to look for a help and also tried to think positive, but they went nothing. (spoiler: she is alive)

The Book Two was about two teenagers, a boy and a girl, tried to commit suicide together. Both of them looked for partner to do it. They met in a site called Suicide Partners. Who knows they would end up hanging out and stuff? I haven’t finished it actually, it feels like in a rush for me to write this but I can’t help myself. So, I haven’t known yet about the ending. JUST YET.

But, knowing the ending isn’t the point of this writing.

Reading this kind of book makes me value a life more.

I’m not in a stage of planning a suicide, the characters didn’t teach me to do one. The characters taught me about the other meaning of life. Like, sometimes we just want to kill ourselves, we just want to be dead, but then… the story goes, the light shows… and long-short, we have another perspective of life.

I like how this kind of topic shows how precious our life is. Also, the vibe of finding another meaning. for example. find a friend will help, try to open up will help, we are not alone, there will always someone we can count onto.

From them, I feel like getting up and doing whatever life would throw at me. Like, I could give life another chance.

Don’t think that I’m in a good stage right now. My mind eats me every time. Even, seeing people’s life in Instagram stories or in Twitter do another damage to my brain and my self-esteem. But, I’m doing the best I can to get rid of toxic and starting to believe that everything is going to be okay. The light will show and just give life another chance, eh?