There are times that I write on my journal or simply send a tweet,
“I don’t want to live anymore.”
“I want to die.”
“I don’t want to continue this.”
“I don’t want to be saved.”
“Can I just disappear?”
I believe, it happens to anyone. Even only a slight of thought: we want to give up.
By any chances, it happens to me many times. It could be because my own mess; the ones I make on my own. Or because people’s story which I let them to attack me.
Since I graduated from high school, there were many times, I imagined if I let myself die. I had some scenarios in my head. Which way I used to end it. Should I just cut my wrist? But in my imagination, it would be too painful, and it would bleed. And I don’t like seeing blood. It disgusts me. And after watching Hannah Baker did that, I directly cancelled this one. Should I just hang myself up? But after checking my house or my boarding house, there was no good place for that. So maybe, filling myself up with some pills was the only option. Because first, it wouldn’t hurt; two, I wouldn’t see any blood; three, maybe, it would be fast, and I wouldn’t feel anything (well, little seizures), and suddenly just not breathing.
But I didn’t do it, because I’m writing this right now.
Also, there were many times that I found another reason to live. I might be suffocated like all the oxygen didn’t want to stay with me. I might feel the downfall and lay on the ground. But there were many times, He still let me live. Thru the hands of some friends.
I still remember the day when a friend texted me to check me out if I were okay because she couldn’t reach me via chat on WhatsApp. Or the day a friend asked me to tell her things if I didn’t feel okay. Or the day a friend asked me not to die. Or the day when a friend thanked me just because I asked her to go to our Prof together. Or the day some other friends checking me out (again) just because some unnecessary status I made on WhatsApp. Or just only yesterday afternoon, a friend asked if I were stressed or not in middle of me ironing my clothes.
I honestly didn’t know what made her ask me that. Probably another nonsense tweet or status I made. It was unexpected, but it happened. And I’m still glad it happened.
I wrote on my journal later that evening. Just like usual, gratitude journaling and that time I put Mantra-Mantra album by Kunto Aji on shuffle. It went rough. I couldn’t find anything to write. Until Saudade came up along with heavy burdens in my heart. I cried. (I cried many times HAH)
All the bad and good things popped up highlighting the one just happened: this friend checking me out (again and again).
How can I not be grateful for that?
I felt like I need to continue this battle. I’m not alone.
Around 7 that night, she came with stories, an oppa’s poster and a cheer up snack. Once again, how can I not be grateful for that? To you, you know who you are, I say Thank You. Once again. For saving me.
April was about to come when I continue the journaling that I left because the ugly crying. I could write, finally. The reason to live. The friends who bear with me.
And here is April. It’s today. Exactly the day I write this.
I still have hopes; continue doing my skripsi and try to find what I want to do after getting the degree. I still have friends; the ones who support and endure me.
To the life savers out there –my friends–thank you. I may not be able to write down all your kindness but the only thing that I want to say is your presence matters. Will always. Because I’m nothing without you.
(first day of april, writing this in the library & trying hard not to cry. im so dumb why am writing this in the library????)