When this thought came, I was in my favorite coffee shop sitting by the big window. The street in front of it was quiet, not much vehicles passed by. The building faced the west side and it was around 3 in the evening, so the sun entered the room and it gave the orange color. It was like the picture you could find on pinterest with aesthetic hashtag. Seemed peaceful, right.
But the brain inside of me isn’t, so is someone’s in front of me.
“Is this a phase to be an adult? Too many tears and fears?” I asked myself that time.
But then, I left this writing and continued discussing other things with this person.
Later that night I opened it again and I caught myself thinking about it again. But, I left, again.
After abandoning it long enough, I decided to write what the real ‘the thoughts that haunt me’ is in my journal. Now, I’m compiling them two.
That afternoon –or evening, the talking was like going wrong. Trying to hold back the tears but couldn’t. I know I was wrong for talking about my own self and not her, but I didn’t know anymore. I was so connected about what she felt at that moment. About the suffocating feeling. About self-blaming. About the responsibility we left too long. About feeling lonely in this battlefield. I know them all.
I couldn’t just text someone at home because of course they got their own problems. And my tiny little bump shouldn’t be a burden to them. Moreover, I was the one who put myself this way. I also couldn’t just call or text my friends because I was afraid I might just bother them and they, of course, already had their own situation. There was this storm in my head and I chose to stay silent.
And it felt terrible.
I still remember the evening when I found myself crying in the middle of recording myself in my phone’s voice note application. Yes, this is my habit since last year. Whenever I feel not okay and have no one to tell I choose to tell my phone. It feels good sometimes. And that evening? I felt crumbled.
I couldn’t handle the tears. I might be crying for almost an hour. I didn’t know why it was just suddenly like that. The storm was raging. The sound of it was louder. It was lack of air and I was suffocated.
Since that day, I knew, feeling lonely is terrible. Feeling like having no one is terrible.
I like to be alone but lonely is different. Feeling lonely is scary.
Since that day, I need to believe that I’m not alone. I have family and friends that actually can help and support me. I need to make myself sure that I can trust them too.
Of course, it feels unfair to them. I mean, they are here. Always here. And I can’t just say that they are not with me. I choose to be a homebody now. I’m the one who makes myself this way. And it’s like I’m excluding myself from them.
Right after realizing that there are still friends, I feel okay. I need to be okay.
The loneliness won’t go, but at least trying to convince there are still others around makes it better.
And I want to be that. I mean the always around part. I know how it felt to be lonely, and I don’t want my friends to feel the same. I want them to know that they can always talk and spam me with everything. If it is too hard to say right on my face, then I let you know, guys, that I’m near my phone like 24/7. So, you can always reach me.
I just realized that I only focused on myself. I let everything orbits around me. I wanted everything orbits around me. I was busy taking care my own. Until I didn’t realize that there are people near me also need me.
Self-care is also necessary but look around and take care some people around us can give a different feeling. Well, it feels like I’m important and needed. And for that, it doesn’t make me lonely.
And you should too.
You shouldn’t have feeling lonely. You always have me.
I need to be grateful. I need to. For realizing this. For having my friends’ back. For being their back.
Right now, I want to embrace this. The feeling of being with friends and the feeling of being with me.
I want to make it balance so I still can be socially connected but also feeling recharged. I want to be with them all and I want to be with me. I want to take care of them and I want to take care of me.
This is what I want to do better, and I hope it would happen.